2013 Summer Movie Flops

Pretty good trailers. Pretty bad movies.

R.I.P.D.

What’s it about? Ghost Busters meets Men in Black (with a little True Grit thrown in)
Why doesn’t it work? Mary-Louise Parker is funny. Ryan Reynolds is not funny. Jeff Bridges is funny … strange.
What should you see instead? Go see Red 2. (Unless you think old people are gross. Then wait for Smurfs 2.)

Turbo

What’s it about? A snail who wants to race in the Indy 500. Really.
Why doesn’t it work? Snails are gross. Even animated snails. Even fast animated snails. Plus Ryan Reynolds voices the lead snail. (See above.)
What should you see instead? Rent Hotel Transylvania. Or wait for Smurfs 2.

After Earth

What’s it about? Jurassic Park meets The Courtship of Eddie’s Father .
Why doesn’t it work? The same reasons that Battlefield Earth and Waterworld didn’t work. Plus Will Smith is supposed to be a little funny, or at least poignant, even in his serious movies. He isn’t here.
What should you see instead? Go see The Wolverine. (That right, it’s “THE” Wolverine.) If you insist on seeing a parent-child buddy movie, I suppose you could rent The Guilt Trip.

The Lone Ranger

What’s it about? You don’t remember the radio serial from the 30’s or the TV series from the 50’s or the four previous movies?
Why doesn’t it work? Armie Hammer seems heroic enough, despite his terrible stage name. Johnny Depp plays the same character he always plays. But it just doesn’t click. As Tonto puts it in the movie, “Something very wrong with that horse.”
What should you see instead? Rent Rango, which happens to star Johnny Depp. The True Grit remake, starring Jeff Bridges, is also good. (See what I did there? It’s the cowboy version of the circle of life, or something.)

What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Have alternate alternates? Leave a comment or suggestion.

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